Learning to Step Back

I used to think I would never send my daughter anywhere as a teenager unless I went with her. Even when she became a young adult, I imagined being by her side. I wanted to stay close—to protect her, guide her, and always be there.

A Lesson from Two Trees

One Sabbath morning, during the quiet break between our group Bible study and our church service, I walked around the parking lot, praying. The sun was shining, the sky was clear, and the trees were full and green.

Then I noticed two trees: one tall and strong, the other a small sapling growing right beside it. In that moment, the Lord spoke to my heart:

“These two trees are like you and your daughter. The smaller tree is planted too close to the larger one. It cannot get enough sunlight, water, or space. If you keep your daughter under your shadow, she will never grow into all I created her to be. She needs room to reach for My light, to thirst for Me, and to learn dependence on Me. She cannot do that if she is always beside you.”

The words pierced me. I began to cry. Right then, I knew I had to let her go.

Since that day, I have—and it has been one of the best decisions for her spiritual journey. When she interviewed for a summer door-to-door witnessing program, the leader asked about her personal relationship with Jesus. She admitted she had mostly been living on her parents’ faith—family worship, Christian homeschooling, regular church attendance—but the faith wasn’t her own yet. She wanted an experience that would change that.

And that is exactly what God has been giving her. She is learning to pray for herself, to lean on Him, and to see Him answer in real ways. If I had clung too tightly, it might have stunted her growth. Instead, she is flourishing—not under my shadow, but under the light of Christ.

I take comfort in knowing home will always be here as a place she can return to—for love, rest, and encouragement in seeking God’s will. Thank You, Jesus, for doing more in her life than I ever could.

Learning to Let Go

This journey of letting go has been one of the hardest lessons I’ve ever learned. Maybe you’ve seen children who weren’t given the space they needed and how it affected them when they reached adulthood. That was what first stirred me to begin a podcast. I saw conservative families fall apart. Their children, raised in strong religious homes, turned 18 and walked away from faith. I kept asking, Why? I didn’t want that for my daughter.

As my friend and I talked, we realized others needed to hear honest conversations, not a polished picture of perfect families. Too often, Christian homes hide their struggles. We wanted to bring those struggles into the open so parents could face them, avoid them, and help each other through them.

There’s also a prophetic urgency. Our children need to learn to stand for Christ on their own as soon as possible. I am starting the process of letting her go at home instead of waiting until she turns 18.

I only have one child, and to be honest, I’ve been guilty of over-mothering her. I reminded her constantly—drink water, have devotions, stay focused. But she began resisting my reminders, which is natural for a teen. I don’t want to “provoke” her. Eph. 6:4. So, I am learning to step back and pray that the Holy Spirit will be her reminder instead.

Youth programs have been a huge blessing because I’m not there to hover. She has to remember for herself.

We’ve set standards in our home, but I’ve learned not to repeat them endlessly. She doesn’t want constant reminders, and if I keep pressing, it will only harden her heart. So now I pray for God to bring the right influences into her life. And sometimes, I see evidence that He is doing just that.

When she was younger, for example, she wanted to listen to a children’s radio program we had said no to. She often told us, “When I turn 18, I’ll listen to it.” But this past summer she heard a young preacher explain why he didn’t think it was good. She came home and said she agreed. Inside, I was thanking God, but outwardly I simply smiled and said, “Oh, that’s nice.” I didn’t say, “See, that’s what we always told you.” I let it be her conviction.

A Painful but Beautiful Conversation

Stepping back created room for honesty. Recently, she and I had a heartfelt talk that lifted a heavy burden off me. I told her that when she becomes an adult, I don’t want her to feel she must leave home to have freedom. If she chooses things to read, watch, or listen to that I may disagree with, I will leave that between her and God. She really appreciated that.

She told me she wants to stay open to God, that she desires spiritual things, and that she wants to grow closer to Him. Hearing that gave me peace, even if her choices don’t always look like what I wish they did.

I know if I keep trying to convince her, I will only push her away. I want her to feel safe to talk with me about her struggles and choices. That way, I can pray for wisdom to know when and how to speak. What little influence I still have, I don’t want to lose.

It’s scary to let her go. I fear she may make painful choices. But I cannot live in the future or in my fears. If I do, I’ll treat her as if my worst worries are already true. Instead, I must live in today and thank God for even the smallest evidence of His Spirit working in her heart.

God has given all of us free choice, including our children. Yes, the commandment says, “Honor your father and your mother.” Yet we want our children to honor us by choice—not by guilt. That’s a work only God can do in their hearts. He must awaken their minds to this commandment—we cannot.

As we give our daughter more opportunities to make choices, and she sees us respecting her choices, I pray that her respect for God and for us deepens and grows as well.