By Toni John
I remember feeling unwelcome in my family as the youngest and only girl of five children. I was named by and after my father, who wanted a fifth boy—that’s how I got the name Toni. As a child, I hungered for loving words and hugs from my parents, but I didn’t receive any. Instead, at age nine, I received a type of attention that terrified me.
I was stalked and molested at home by a friend of my dad who was staying with us for two months. Again, at 14, I was molested by two different men. These experiences caused me to view femininity as a weakness that made me a target for sexual abuse. I did not feel safe and longed for protection from being desired by men.
My brothers always seemed stronger, happier, and able to protect themselves. I wanted to be a boy and be strong and happy like them. Instead, I became so deeply depressed that I tried to take my life by overdosing. It didn’t work, and the depression continued for years.
Through my traumatic childhood, my loving great-grandmother’s voice would echo in my thoughts, even though I did not see her often because she lived so far away. Whenever we talked, she consistently reminded me, “Jesus loves you.” Although I didn’t know much about God and Jesus back then, those words comforted me during difficult times.
I left home at the first opportunity. Conflicted about my identity and trying to please everyone, I got married as a way out, joined a church, and got pregnant with my son. Even though I tried everything I knew to make it work, I still felt unsafe with my husband because he was a man. I struggled immensely with depression, anxiety, and PTSD because of constant triggers from unresolved childhood abuse.
It was challenging to raise my son and deal with feeling empty and hopeless. I was starving for affection, and that void seemed to consume and cripple me. After some failed suicide attempts, the devil came with the suggestion that if I were to live with a woman like I lived with my husband, I would get all the “safe” love and affection I wanted. My heart leaped in excitement at the possibility of filling the void. I decided to leave my husband and son and join the gay culture.
I divorced my husband and married a woman. Finally, I felt more in control of my circumstances, but I still didn’t think anyone had the capacity or desire to understand and heal the depths of my pain. I knew God would disapprove of my new lifestyle choices and possibly use my Christian friends to confront me about them, so I abandoned church. I continued to feel unsafe and decided dressing as a man would offer me the protection that I had longed for all my life. I cut my hair short and bought male clothing to feel “transformed” by the confidence and safety of living outwardly like a man.
My son confronted me about the changes in my appearance. I responded, “I’m not dressing like a man; I’m just dressing ‘comfortably.’”
“C’mon Mom,” he said. “I can tell you want to be a man.” His compassion and love were touching. He warned me that the Bible said it was not right for a woman to dress like a man, and it broke my heart to disappoint him.
God spoke clearly through my son, and I allowed Him to show me that I was deceiving myself. I felt convicted about my appearance. It was as if God Himself were saying, “I see you, I love you, and I will protect you.” Feeling comfortable with my femininity was a process, but in that moment, I had an indescribable desire for women’s clothing like never before!
From that time, God started reminding me of how I could trust Him and how He still cared for me. He won me over with His relentless compassion and loving-kindness. I was so amazed that I wasn’t far from His love and mercy amid my sins. As I claimed Christ’s forgiveness, I found it easier to forgive my parents and those who had abused me. What a relief to let go of that pain!
Because of trust issues from the abuse in my past, it wasn’t easy to let God into my life—but it was healing when I did!
I invited God to close the door to my relationship with my partner because I knew I couldn’t do it on my own—and He did it. We separated within two weeks, and our divorce was final in two months!
I was eager to leave the lesbian life behind, but at first, I was terrified to be alone. However, as I tried and tested Jesus, I realized I could trust Him more and more. Then He started addressing my pain at a gentle pace that I could handle. I still made mistakes, but I continued cooperating with Him one step at a time. His understanding of all my choices drew me closer to Him. He never condemned me; He only wanted to heal and love me!
God affirmed that He not only loves other people, but He has always loved me, too, even when I was a lesbian and walked away hopelessly from Him and my family! As I fell in love with Him and gave Him my heart, I followed His lead to begin my healing journey. There were many things from my childhood trauma that needed addressing, and He would bring truth to shut down every lie I believed. He also revealed how He was with me and provided for me through the traumatic experiences, like when He offered His gentle and reassuring love for me through my great-grandmother.
I realized that the One who created me knows how to help me find fulfillment better than I do! I also realized that I was genuinely seeking His love, acceptance, and safety the whole time. The God of the universe wanted not only to deliver me from bondage and addictions, but also to shower me with His presence, love, and compassion! Initially, it wasn’t easy to let Him into my heart because of trust issues from my past, but it was life-changing when I did!
The more I understood who God made me to be, the more courageous I felt being single. Being close to Him set me free from dependence on people to complete me, because I am already complete in Him. Many verses confirming my identity in Him moved from mere head knowledge into my heart, including, “But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.” 1 Pet. 2:9, ESV.
After experiencing numerous breakthroughs and accepting a close relationship with God, I have brand new opportunities to lend an ear to, encourage, and coach others who have had painful experiences—the calling He put on my life from the beginning. It is a true blessing to have my pain transformed into purpose!
God continues to bring me healing and restoration. I pray to continue cooperating with Him as He confirms that He genuinely loves me and can be trusted!
Adapted from Coming Together Ministries Newsletter, January 2024.
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Toni John works with Coming Together Ministries, sharing her experience and encouraging others who are dealing with sexuality issues.