By Paul Coneff and Lindsey Gendke
My story is not uncommon. Growing up as a child, I saw many terrible things—physical, emotional, and psychological abuse, mainly delivered from my father to my mother. It was very common for my two little sisters to huddle in my room, all three of us fearing the worst. After all the yelling and screaming would come the isolation, with the fear my dad was going to leave us and divorce my mom.
Through these experiences, the enemy slipped many lies and false beliefs into my heart. He told me that I was neglected as a child because I wasn’t good enough, so I tried to be perfect to gain love. After feeling powerless to be heard by my dad, powerless to earn his love, I made a vow that I would never be powerless again. I was going to protect myself. Satan, “the father of lies,” told me that I couldn’t trust others, so I put up a front of confidence and retreated into my own world of pain and suffering. I learned to suppress and control my emotions, losing touch with this part of my heart in the process.
I was introduced to pornography at the age of five by my older brother. Having learned to believe that people are evil and that they will hurt me, I used pornography as a substitute for intimacy with my wife. And not realizing that Satan was the source of these negative thoughts, I believed the lie that my heavenly Father was like my earthly father in the sense that He would abandon me. So I turned from God instead of running to Him. I walked in darkness for many years of my life, adding more sin and suffering to my life and to the lives of those I loved.
God allowed this suffering to finally break me when my addictions and lies were exposed. He called me out of darkness and gave me the strength to confess my sins to Him, to my family, and to my pastor. My pastor referred me to Pastor Paul Coneff and Straight 2 the Heart’s discipleship ministry, where I learned to understand and receive God’s love.¹
During our first meeting, a picture of Christ was shared with me that I had never seen before—the “hidden half of the gospel.” I saw Christ dying for my sins and for my suffering, experiencing abandonment by those closest to Him, as well as betrayal and abuse. I saw Christ being tempted to numb His pain but saying “no” in the midst of all His suffering and rejection, choosing to trust His heavenly Father instead. Why did Jesus go through all of this? So He could embrace all my sins and all the ways I had been sinned against. Heb. 2:10, 17–18, 14–16.
As I looked at the cross in a new way, I knew it was okay now to bring my sins and darkness and emptiness to Christ. Jesus wasn’t looking at me with judgment, as I feared, because He took all that judgment Himself. Now I could see the cross as an invitation to come to Him with my sin because He had understanding and compassion for me. I knew in my heart that Jesus had suffered at the hands of evil just as I had. I knew that Jesus understood my suffering, so I brought it to Him. And Jesus did what He does best—He healed me and set me free, bringing His wholeness into my brokenness!
During the prayer sessions, God revealed to me the lies and false beliefs the enemy had planted in my heart. He showed me how Satan was using these against me and how these false “root” beliefs were producing the sinful “fruit” of pornography. As the Holy Spirit revealed each false belief, we would ask Christ where He could identify with these experiences and temptations in His own life and especially at the cross—being abandoned, being tempted to perform to gain acceptance and approval, feeling powerless and worthless, and so on.
Each time a false belief was revealed, I followed it by identifying with how Christ identified with me and realizing how Christ went through a similar experience. Then we would pray through the cross. I would thank Christ for choosing to include an experience of being abandoned in His own life so He could suffer for me and as me, because He also became all my sins as well. 2 Cor. 5:21. I would thank Him for doing this so He could heal my broken heart and set me free from sin as He rose again. Luke 4:18.
We also brought all my emotional bonding to pornography to Christ, thanking Him for taking all this part of my sin to death on Calvary. And we thanked Christ for rising again to forgive me and cleanse me, bonding my heart and mind to Him after breaking those bonds to pornography. We prayed for Christ to fill my heart, mind, soul, and body with His purity as I became His temple, filled with His Holy Spirit. Matt. 15:19; 1 Cor. 3:16–17; 6:16; 2 Cor. 11:2–3; Phil. 2:15; 3:10; Heb. 13:4.
I have experienced Christ’s grace, truth, and power to overcome (Rev. 2:11; 3:5) not only my behavior of pornography but also the false beliefs behind my sinful behavior. Jesus has also removed all the guilt, shame, and condemnation from my living in sin and secrecy. This was very important to me because it seemed like the only thing I had done was to destroy, hurt, and break down those around me.
Jesus not only embraced all of my sins on the cross, but He also suffered at the hands of evil men like I had and could identify with my pain.
As we continued meeting to pray, Pastor Paul asked me how my struggles with pornography were going. I told him I wasn’t sure I wanted to say anything to him. Not because I was still struggling with pornography, but because things were going so well in this area of my life. This victory I was experiencing was new, and I didn’t want to lose it!
I am happy to say that I am no longer a slave to the sin of pornography. Rom. 6:6–7. I no longer turn to pornography for false comfort, for a phony and false sense of intimacy. In fact, this urge for pornography that had been in my life for more than 20 years has completely disappeared! In its place is a wonderful gift of grace from God, true intimacy with Him and my wife. And by His grace, I am rebuilding my marriage with my wife, based on the truth of God’s Word.
God is alive and well, and He is still doing miracles of healing every day! All we have to do is meet Him at the cross, choosing to surrender to Him and allowing Him to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9. Then we can overcome, walking in the power of His forgiveness, His purity, His strength, and His peace. Col. 1:27. I am living proof of that!
“Rick’s Story” is found in The Hidden Half of the Gospel, by Paul Coneff and Lindsey Gendke. It’s also found at Hiddenhalf.org. Used with permission.
Straight 2 the Heart is a nonprofit discipleship ministry started by Pastor Paul Coneff, a licensed marriage and family therapist. Visit straight2theheart.com for more details.
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