From Homosexuality to Holiness

The story of my journey from homosexuality to holiness begins with my family.

My mom was a quiet girl who had grown up in a home with an abusive father. My dad was a good-looking, hotheaded Italian. He was a jazz musician in the military and was gone for three to six months at a time. Much of the time I was alone with my mother and three sisters. At an age where it is important to bond with the male gender and for gender identity to be stamped, I viewed my father’s absence as abandonment, and with his explosive temper when he was home, I rejected him as a role model. I developed what is called “defensive detachment.”

Confusion and Rebellion

I liked doing what girls did and not what boys did. I would play with dolls in secret and dreamed of becoming a girl. I even prayed that God would make me a girl. That would fix the problem, so I thought.

Puberty brought on masturbation. I wanted to think about women, but my attraction turned to men. During my junior year in a boarding high school, I had my first sexual encounter. I remember being devastated that it felt so right, and at the same time feeling forsaken and condemned by God, and I cried myself to sleep. I determined that I was going to give my life back to God, and I asked Him to heal me.

By age 17, I knew I was not free from my same-sex attraction. I prayed that God would take my life so I wouldn’t go into the gay lifestyle, but I knew in my heart it was just a matter of time. When God didn’t take my life, I felt even more rejection—I felt like I wasn’t even worth protecting. I left church behind because I couldn’t find the answers I needed. There was no one to open up to or confide in.

I blew the doors wide open to the gay lifestyle! My first lover introduced me to all kinds of sexual perversion, and I learned to like it. It became an addiction that I couldn’t break. In over 20 years, I was never faithful in the five long-term relationships that I was in. I was an aerobics instructor and hairdresser—the “poster child” for the gay lifestyle! The locker room and showers were my greatest hotspots. On an average day, I could have as many as three encounters.

Finally I hit pay dirt! I was dating a millionaire boyfriend who had big arms and big blue eyes, and we were making lots of money. We seemed to have the world by the tail. Occasionally it would cross my mind that I had gone too far to ever return to God; after all, He was the one who had turned His back on me, so I thought.

I didn’t know it, but two of my sisters had been praying for me. Those prayers, I believe, were what brought me out of the lifestyle I thought was my destiny and protected me from HIV at a time when I was at the peak of my addiction. I should be dead.

A Long and Difficult Journey

While attending my sister’s remarriage to her former husband, the Lord began a journey with me. I would never be the same.

I attended an evangelistic series by an ex-gang member from the streets of LA. He spoke a “real gospel message” in a gritty way that was so powerful, it spoke straight to me. The pastor made an altar call one night, and as he made his last appeal he said to the audience, “Some of you will never have another call.” I knew that was me. I knew that my life had become so vile that I didn’t have the strength to move out of my seat and go forward, but the next thing I knew, I was down at the front giving my heart to the Lord Jesus Christ!

This was a journey that would take time. God had to address the wounds from my childhood. He stayed with me in this journey, graciously covering me with His righteousness, even though I wasn’t faithful. I was still a sex addict and in a relationship; and I was still in the dark about what the world was telling me was acceptable: that I was born this way, and it was my God-given right.

When I began reading God’s Word, I came across passages about homosexuality being an abomination to Him. As I finally got real with God, I cried to Jesus and said, “How could You make me gay and then call me an abomination?” In my frustration, I told God I was not giving up my boyfriend, and if He wanted me out of the relationship, He was going to have to do it Himself. That was all He needed to hear. Once I gave Him permission to work, within a few months my boyfriend was gone. I was in anguish. What did God have in store for me? Would I never love again?

God led me to information and Bible passages to help me deal with lust, addictions, memory, and history. I realized it wasn’t my work, but Christ working in me. “Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus.” Phil. 2:5. It was Christ’s job to fight the devil, not mine. My part was simply to let the mind of Christ come in. Finally, I began to gain the victory that had been so elusive.

Hope and Healing

As Jesus addressed my broken masculinity, same-sex attraction began to fade, and heterosexual desires began to develop—attractions that were acceptable to God, and desires I never knew I could experience. I realized that pornography and masturbation were keeping me from an intimate relationship with God and with others.

I firmly believe that heterosexuality is not the full answer for the homosexual. The true opposite of homosexuality is holiness. “Be ye holy; for I am holy.” 1 Pet. 1:16. I am now a motivational speaker for sexual purity. No matter what sexual orientation you have identified with, God is calling you to a life of purity. In an age saturated with sexual perversion, we all may live holy and pure lives through His powerful grace.